My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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