whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
