I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
