You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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