he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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