Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
