Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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