a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
