We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i need some magic done to my vagina
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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