can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
