i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
