Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize