Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
