my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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