why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
