Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
