I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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