3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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