you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
