I can feel you judging me through the phone.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
