Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
