I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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