Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
