fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
