I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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