mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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