So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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