Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
