you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
