Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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