I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
