I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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