The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
