Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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