I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
