Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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