I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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