I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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