he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
