I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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