He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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