Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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