i dedicated my morning wood to you.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
