My nipple is on Facebook.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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