I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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