I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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