I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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