Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
They have beer where we have blood.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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