did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif