well most of my day revolves around power hour
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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