someone owes me an orgasm
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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