I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
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My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
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If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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