yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
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Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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