Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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