my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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