you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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