I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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