No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
